I'm going to admit something to you all tonight.
I have no idea who I am.
There I said it.
Maybe I should rephrase. I know exactly who I am...who I can and should be...but I don't know where that girl has gone. As cheesy as it sounds, I found myself in Switzerland this summer. Never before had i felt so close to God. He was so real to me there. So tangible. He was in everything I saw, everything I touched and in everyone that I met. The development in our relationship had endless possibilities. Sometimes it feels like I said goodbye to him in the airport in Geneva.
Let me admit something else to you.
It's very hard for me to refer to God as my Father.
Someday I hope to sincerely call him Father and mean it. I miss my earthly father so much that it almost seems like a betrayal to give his name to anyone else. It would make my Dad sad to hear me say that. But as of right now it's an unfortunate truth. I feel like I should have all the answers by now! By the worlds standards I'm doing just about everything right. I'm an intern at a church that I love, I'm majoring in something that I'm passionate about, I'm living on my own, I have a great group of friends and I'm involved at my school. I've got everything together right? That is far from the truth. God has blessed me with all of these things and daily I take them for granted. Sometimes I even take credit for them! Who am I to take credit for the gifts and opportunities given to me?
Every day has become a routine. Get up, get ready, go to class, go to chapel, go to lunch, take a nap, go to rehearsal, go to church, do homework (sometimes), go to bed, and then start all over.
I feel like i've lost my passion. I'm starting to worry about the future. Where will I live after graduation? Who will I marry? What exactly will I be doing? What are my plans for this summer? How am I handling my relationships now? What if, what if, what if?!
I can't keep living like this.
I need to find myself again.
I need to find that giddy, little girl who is so in love with Jesus that I left wandering around on the other side of the world. I want that Madison back, and I know my friends and family do to.
I believe in the power of prayer, so would you pray for me? Pray that God scoops me up in his arms and rekindles my passion.
I'm so thankful for the people I have in my life. I am richly blessed. God will see me through.
Happy Thanksgiving:)
-mvc
I appreciate your honesty so much. I find myself feeling like this at times too. I can totally relate to giving myself all of the credit instead of praising the one from whom all blessings flow. I'll be praying for you! Say a prayer for me too!
ReplyDeleteDearest Madison,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that you are not alone in this. This is something I constantly struggle with. I get in the hustle and bustle of life and leave God behind. I relate to you saying that in worldly terms I am doing everything right. It all looks good on paper, but in your heart you have this whole that you try to fill, but if you don't work on it then it always stays there. I am praying for you and for you to find that girl you left in Geneva. I left that girl in Vienna as well. That is a time I left everything familiar and lived out on my own and I found God when I had nothing else. Lets talk about this sometime. It is a struggle, but with the help of good friends and family they can help lift you up! Just know you are not alone :) Love you girl! Thanks for being honest with all of us.